Tears, Failure, In sha Allah

November 11th, 9 :49 p.m.

Today, I am currently sat after eating swallow for dinner. Just so you know, I am far from a fan of swallow. I just wanted to tonight.

Minutes after eating, all my mind could catch, think, and hold on to was “Titilayo mi.”

I tried again for more thoughts, but “Titilayo mi” was all.

And I immediately recognized it. It was exhaustion from all the emotional loads I have carried all week.

The ugly tears, my spontaneous thoughts of “I am a failure,” the constant reminder that I messed up. The unnecessary hope for a last chance, and the concurrent fear of never amounting to anything.

These emotions perfectly mixed with equal moments of genuine happiness, laughter, self-compassion, promising to show up for myself, getting it right, and trusting God with certainty that he is sufficient for me (Hasbiya Allah).

You can say it's been a bitter-sweet week.

Titilayo mi is just tired. She will appreciate a moment of stillness. A moment where she doesn’t have to run away or confront her thoughts. A moment of genuine happiness without worries lurking behind, or a moment of tears that wipe away the worries.

Titilayo mi, I know not what to say, but your biggest strength and your greatest weakness is your inability to give up.

I am not sure if I should end this with “we move” or be sincere that I really don’t know if I should lend myself some compassion, fear, or self-criticism.

10:12 p.m.

Aisha.